Sunday, August 8, 2010

LIstening to My Heart, at Heart and Home

I know it's been awhile since I've shared anything new with you. And it will probably be awhile longer.

Sometimes, when life gives you lemons it's really hard to make lemonade, like everyone says you should.

 I feel like I've been given my share of lemons lately, and trying hard to make the lemonade, but with very little success.

Sometimes, instead of changing my perspective, and seeing the bright side, and letting go of expectations, and turning the other cheek, and living and letting live, and the myriad ways of behaving  like a grown-up and living with grace when it feels like life is smacking me in the face, I'm overcome with the childish and very strong desires to stomp feet and act horribly and be generally witchy and nasty and unlovable.

Or to cry and run away and be alone.

I really hate it when the nasty, horrible side of me wins and slams the door and sticks her head under a blanket and tries to hide, while the grown-up side of me is nowhere to be found.

That usually happens when I feel myself slipping under the weight of TOO MUCH, too much of everything, but mostly too much of the hard stuff hitting home all at once, like what's been going on around here.

At those times, I am weak, and foolish, and a big baby. Behaving like a grown-up feels beyond my capability.

At those times, I usually don't know what hit me until it's too late. Usually I can't see beyond the hurt or disappointment, or the fear, or the feelings of betrayal
It takes some time, but then there is always regret, and finally a longing for peace and understanding, and quiet and calm.

That's where I'm at right now, trying to find the calm.

I need to quiet my brain and listen to the wisdom of my heart a little.

Or is it the other way around? I don't  know.

Do I need to stop feeling so much, and start letting my brain get involved more often? I can't imagine anyone advising me to think less, and feel more.

I'm one of those people who've always believed that things only got sweeter when the heart was involved.

I don't know if  I've got that part right. I carry my heart out in the open, and don't trust my brain as much, although I know I'm intelligent. It just feels more right to go with my feelings than my intellect, most of the time. Which may be the problem.

I  need to find a good middle ground. Something that feels right for me. Oops, there I go again with the feelings.

I'm getting better at this, really I am. But, obviously, I still have a lot of work to do. You'd think I'd have it figured out by now. At least, I thought I would. I'm in my 50's, for heaven's sake. How long does this take, anyway?

Please don't misunderstand me. Right now, everything in my life is not a big dramatic crazy-fest.  But I'm feeling the pressure enough that I need some time to digest it all, and to get used to some things and figure them out.

Then, the next time life hits me with a big bag of lemons (and I know there is always a next time) I want to  find the part of me that knows how to be honest and true without letting myself down, and without feeling the need to hide. And to be able to make the lemonade, no problem.

Until next time,


Rose H (UK) said...

Oh Heidi, my heart goes out to you. I've just come through one of those times in my life too, so I know just how you feel. As you are in the 'quiet' time things will soon get better again. I always TRY to be positive, and remember that my fears and dreads are much-more often worse that the actual out-come. I hope that you will soon find the inner peace that you need. In the meantime I'm sending you a big {{hug}}

ChRiS said...

i swear its the 50's!!! i know you hear this all the time but when i get down about anything i always try to remember something that is so terrible in the world and honestly bout 89 percent of the time it helps my mood get more *normal* cause my life all of the sudden looks much better......i hope you feel better bout what ever is dragging you down life sometimes hits us with alot to handle.

Keetha Denise Broyles said...

I think sometimes the very smartest thing you can DO is take a nap! I LOVE the expression, "I'm so busy I just MUST take a nap!"

But, used reasonably it is a fabulous coping mechanism. Take the nap, then when you wake up and things look a little brighter, tackle the issues while you have energy.

Oh - - - and be sure you're eating right too. No food, no energy.

Hang in there, I'm pulling for you - - - remember, we're all in this together!

Glenda/MidSouth said...

((((hugs)))) ! Wished I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't. Sure hope things get better for you. I had a truck load of those sour lemons dumped on my doorstep a while back, and I still have refused to make lemonade out of them.

Stacey said...

We've all been there. Find the little things that make you happy and carry on. Sometimes that's just what you have to do.

Jeanette said...

During the worse time of my life my sister came over to my house and said ok, it is my time to worry. You have worried enough so let me do it for you for a while. Please know that you have so many friends and people that care about you, any one of us would be willing to worry for you for a while if you need us.

Anonymous said...

I normally don't leave a comment on the blogs I love to read, but your sincere words have hit home. So many of us feel that way and you put it to words for us. You so describe my last couple of months in the mist of lemons. Thank you for helping me realize I'm not alone and that so many of us have been there. Natalie

gena said...

Ugh, I know from lemons and making lemonade is easier said than done and often suggested by someone who hasn't had many lemons thrown at them !

I sent up a little prayer for your lemonade stand to blossom into sunshine and easy days ahead....

Andrea said...

I, too have been stumbling, crawling, and falling into my Heavenly Fathers has been very complicated, lately.
Blessings and prayers, andrea

Mary Ann said...

My heart goes out to you. I don't know you but I feel your pain. Just remember, "and this too, shall pass away." We've all felt like this at some time or another. I had a disappointment in a person and I didn't think I could live through it, however, with lots of prayer I survived and am a better person for it. Lean on what you believe in and let it light your way.

Deb said...

I'm 59 on Tues. and just REALLY realizing I'm at the end of my "fives" and getting ready to enter my "sixes". Not sure how I feel about that, and it's NOT fun at the moment. Presently caretaker for my 89 yoa mother (Alzheimers) and have been (in our home) for 3 yrs. My husband is a saint, but he's not getting the best of me and I'm not sure I can keep this up. Hum...some days are better than others!!! Hang in there - better days are surely ahead.

Chris said...

I am 61, and I haven't found it any easier to behave like I envision I should either. Growing in Grace comes from facing & dealing with the difficult, sad & angry times we face, darn it!

Heidi, one of these days we're going to be most spectacular women...I just know it! *Ü*

Jemsmom said...

Oh Heidi, my heart goes out to you as you sound so sad in this post. Like the other poster said, "this too shall pass." It will soon hopefully and you will be making lemonade again. You are not the only one who goes through this and just know that you are cared for. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Kim @ Savvy Southern Style said...

Heidi, I hate to read that a blog friend is down. I truly hope things get better for you quickly.

Allison said...

Heidi - I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. I feel for you. It will get better! Take it one day at a time and know that there are many people who care about you. Be gentle with yourself. Hang in there!

Pinky said...

Thank you so much for your honesty! We all get to this point sometimes: I am going through something right now too. It is NOT easy, I know. I am trying to trust that God has a plan. I am sending a BIG HUG to you! Hang in there. XO, Pinky

Tracy F. said...

Heidi- My heart goes out to you. I also understand,as I've been going through some unimaginable upheaval myself for a while now. At almost 57, I've decided that it's ok to be selfish sometimes; we deserve to sometimes make ourselves happy and "damn the torpedoes"!; do something nice for yourself every day; and, I'm a firm believer in an afternoon nap to change your perspective. Please know that I'll be thinking of you.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I have sure had some of those feelings recently...and then I see people in HUGE battles and feel bad....Love your blog

Claudia said...

It is a constant battle. My head and worry thoughts constantly get in the way. I'm in my late 50's and I struggle with this all the time. Hang in there - we are all on a learning journey and the challenges will always be there.


vignette design said...

Sorry to hear your dealing with bad stuff. I hope you feel better soon. I have learned when I'm dealing with difficulties, that "this too shall pass." Thinking of you....xo Delores

Cindy (Applestone Cottage) said...

Hi Heidi,
I hope that things will look up for you soon! I think many of us can relate. Sometimes we just need time to digest and rearrange our thinking.
Hugs to you,

Blooming Rose Musings said...

Hi Heidi-So sorry to hear you are going through some tough times now. I guess this is why they say life is not easy. Unfortunately I've had my ups and downs too. I think you are very brave and very wise to be open about it so everyone can lend their support to you. As my mom always said "this too shall pass"...let's just hope the tough times pass quickly.

Heidi said...

It's tough for me to pull myself out of similar situations at times. But I've learned to recognize when I'm heading into my "depression mode" about all the junk I have to deal with at times. Something what helps me is to think about my friends and family. I try to think about how I can help them in any way with acts of service or gratitude. It really helps me to think more clearly and not dwell on my own "lemons".
Hugs from me too!

Holly said...


I can so relate as well..... I always say I'm driving my train backward with the caboose in front (being my feelings) instead of the Engine (The truth of God's word).....

Praying for you my sweet Sister in Christ... Holly

Apron Senorita said...

Heidi, in the time I have known you from "Blogville" I just know that you are doing your best to get through your situation. That is all anyone can do. At our age we are wise but we are human with emotions. I am here if you ever need to talk, just email.


Vicci @theplaidbasket said...

Oh Heidi...I am so sorry to hear your pain yet totally relate. I too am going through the hardest ordeal of my life time and have been since December, Everything you said in the post is so at home with me. I guess I can only say try, try, try to do one thing each day that involves your whole brain. I have found the little break from "feeling" is so necessary to "keep on keepin on."
You are in my thoughts and prayers for resolution.

Allison said...

Keep your head up! This too will pass.

Also, I just wanted to let you know that I received my box-o-goodies the other day and I love it all! Thanks so much.

And one last thing... I gave you an award or two. ;)