Sunday, August 8, 2010
I know it's been awhile since I've shared anything new with you. And it will probably be awhile longer.
Sometimes, when life gives you lemons it's really hard to make lemonade, like everyone says you should.
I feel like I've been given my share of lemons lately, and trying hard to make the lemonade, but with very little success.
Sometimes, instead of changing my perspective, and seeing the bright side, and letting go of expectations, and turning the other cheek, and living and letting live, and the myriad ways of behaving like a grown-up and living with grace when it feels like life is smacking me in the face, I'm overcome with the childish and very strong desires to stomp feet and act horribly and be generally witchy and nasty and unlovable.
Or to cry and run away and be alone.
I really hate it when the nasty, horrible side of me wins and slams the door and sticks her head under a blanket and tries to hide, while the grown-up side of me is nowhere to be found.
That usually happens when I feel myself slipping under the weight of TOO MUCH, too much of everything, but mostly too much of the hard stuff hitting home all at once, like what's been going on around here.
At those times, I am weak, and foolish, and a big baby. Behaving like a grown-up feels beyond my capability.
At those times, I usually don't know what hit me until it's too late. Usually I can't see beyond the hurt or disappointment, or the fear, or the feelings of betrayal
It takes some time, but then there is always regret, and finally a longing for peace and understanding, and quiet and calm.
That's where I'm at right now, trying to find the calm.
I need to quiet my brain and listen to the wisdom of my heart a little.
Or is it the other way around? I don't know.
Do I need to stop feeling so much, and start letting my brain get involved more often? I can't imagine anyone advising me to think less, and feel more.
I'm one of those people who've always believed that things only got sweeter when the heart was involved.
I don't know if I've got that part right. I carry my heart out in the open, and don't trust my brain as much, although I know I'm intelligent. It just feels more right to go with my feelings than my intellect, most of the time. Which may be the problem.
I need to find a good middle ground. Something that feels right for me. Oops, there I go again with the feelings.
I'm getting better at this, really I am. But, obviously, I still have a lot of work to do. You'd think I'd have it figured out by now. At least, I thought I would. I'm in my 50's, for heaven's sake. How long does this take, anyway?
Please don't misunderstand me. Right now, everything in my life is not a big dramatic crazy-fest. But I'm feeling the pressure enough that I need some time to digest it all, and to get used to some things and figure them out.
Then, the next time life hits me with a big bag of lemons (and I know there is always a next time) I want to find the part of me that knows how to be honest and true without letting myself down, and without feeling the need to hide. And to be able to make the lemonade, no problem.
Until next time,
Posted by Heidi at 1:59 PM