Sunday, August 15, 2010

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes at Heart and Home

It's been one week.

With no inspiration, and even less motivation
I've been doing a lot of nothing these past seven days.
Nothing and everything, because I think I've gotten closer to finding some truths for myself.


Most of you told me that the most important thing to do with life getting me down was to just be in the moment, and to allow myself to really feel the feelings that came up.

So, that's what I've been doing these past seven days:
being in the moment,
and feeling.

Well, trying to feel, anyway.


 I've been confused about what exactly my feelings were. Or are.
And being in the moment has never been one of my strong points.

But, I think I've gotten closer to some answers.

That's a good thing, right?
I read "Eat, Pray Love".
I saw the movie.
It took Julia Roberts ( Elizabeth Gilbert, actually)
 an entire year to figure it out.
I think I'm doing pretty well,
having spent only one week working on the same thing.
Without leaving the country, or abandoning my family and friends.
Without taking a 15-years-younger lover, or joining an ashram,
or having a nervous breakdown.

I've kept things running pretty smoothly around here, considering,
and still found some time to think.
I've decided that things will get better, but,
 despite all the uncontrollable changes in my life,
there are even more things that need to change.
  I need to change, that I will seek and embrace change.
Even though I (mostly) fear it. 

 
We all know that nothing stays the same.
Well, everything seems to be changing around here.
With our eldest leaving home, and the youngest starting high school,
I'm pretty much working myself out of a job,
and staring at an empty nest in just a few years.

It's freaking me out.

Plus there's the whole aging process to deal with.
Don't get me started on that one.

And of course, some other things, big ones that are difficult and emotion packed.

But, now I'm writing a list.
On it are the things in my life that need to change,
 and things about me that I need to change. 
Things that I can control.
 Changes that I will seek and embrace.
Blah, blah, blah.

This is not easy for me.

I'm going to start by losing those extra 15 pounds
 that have literally been weighing me down for the past years.
I think I need to feel and be lighter,
to feel more like my old self, in order to find my new self. 
To get back into fighting shape, so to speak.

So I can tackle the next item on my list, and on down.
Change, change, change.

I so appreciate your support,  and all your kind words.
Thank you so much for sharing your own moments
 of doubt and difficulty, and enlightenment with me.
 Thank you for your encouragement.
Thank you for being you!
.
I'm pretty sure, after I get through the next week,
inspiration and motivation will be right around the corner.
Stay tuned!

Until next time,
XO
Heidi

8 comments:

Sonia said...

Heidi,

Hope you find the answers within yourself..sometimes re-evaluation is necessary as we age and go through different stages in our lives..nothing stays the same is so true..I think we learn to change gradually as new phases evolve in our lives..like the empty nest...I'm right there with you..2 are out and one is still home. I worry but realize life requires change..and pray the change will make me better. Take care,

Miss Bloomers

Lori E said...

I missed the beginning of this transformation but good for you.
Try not to analyze everything though. You don't want to spend more time thinking about life than living it.

Gypsy Heart said...

Hello dear one,
I agree with Lori above ~ you can analzye yourself and everything else to death! That just leaves you drained and going in circles. It is a HUGE change when the kids leave home and it is truly a enormous change. This is time for YOU! It's ok ~ you have been a super mom I feel sure. The daughter in high school is there for a bit but she will need you a bit less too as the next few years pass. Finding out who you are other than a wife and mother is gigantic but oh so worth it! :-)

And a little suggestion...you cannot control anything or anyone...just your response. I hope you take that in the best way possible as that is how I intend it. Not to be bossy...just gentle.

Decide what YOU like, what you want to do with the rest of your life...like Mary Oliver said. :-)
Aging? I took that really hard until I almost died around my 50th birthday. I told God then that I would make an effort to appreciate every day/month/year I was given and forget about the numbers. I tell ya, in all honesty, everything gets better as you go! It just feels more relaxed and enjoyable I think.

Sending you strength, peace and love my friend.
Pat

Tracy F. said...

All the [above] is advice is "right on target". I'm going trough some similar issues myself, so my heart goes out to you. We'll get through these times, one day at a time, and come out on the other side...hopefully stronger and happier.

Pinky said...

Honey, I am older than you and KNOW that you can not control anything or anyone but yourself...and your reactions to things. It is HARD, I know. My son is 42, just left THIS WEEKEND to live 1000 miles away and I am so sad. But I know he has to have his own life and that God has a plan. Think things through but try not to obsess....like I tend to do sometimes:):) It doesn't work! Sending good thoughts your way and a prayer too for peace and serenity. XO, Pinky

Jemsmom said...

I love the sound of hope in your post. You have a plan and you will get going. You have every right to be feeling everything that you are. Would leaving the country and joining and ashram be soooo bad?!? Ok. so you are taking the smart way out!!!! I am proud of you and I know your family is proud of you too. I will work on those 15 pounds with you! Chin up my friend! You are on your way!

Kelee Katillac said...

Hi Heidi!

I can relate to a lot of the things you are expressing.
Aging can seem a drag at first. But, I am loving it!
I love this affirmation

"My Highest Good is Unfolding. It may have nothing to do with firm arms or lack of crow's feet. But, everything to do with the light within. As the outside fades back a bit it is easier to see the Divine glow emerge. I allow the light to come forth as I discover the path that it will illuminate for me now and in the future. Even though I may use botox occasionally."

IIt cracks me up--because we are both physical and spiritual and it speaks to both.


I love you!

Kelee

Annie S. said...

Heidi,
I totally relate to this post! My youngest graduated from high school this June. I have been a stay-home mom who was very active in volunteering with my kids school and sports activities and am now finding myself to be a bit lost and in need of reinvention. After so many years of doing for others I'm not even sure of what "I" like and enjoy anymore and I'm afraid to look too deeply for fear of upsetting the entire apple cart of life as I know it. There are days when I feel almost paralyzed by fear of the unknown. Today I decided I need to just take the bull by the horns and start moving even though I may not know exactly where I'm heading yet. I ended up in a bookstore because being around books is always comforting for me. I looked through self-help books for hours and found two you may be interested in:
Life Makeovers by Cheryl Richardson
and
Be Who You Want Have What You Want by Chris Prentiss
You aren't alone...we're in this together.
Annie S.